Friday

Friday the 21st

I keep thinking, maybe I can leave next Friday, maybe I can leave next Friday.  In fact, I was so anxious about not hearing from the Embassy on Wednesday that I must have prayed to keep me focused, for hours.  When the Thursday hours started to tick by, I thought for sure that we would have to deal with Benny’s kind-of-positive TB test before we got out appointment.  At 4 PM, I gave up, and right when I went to email Paul and get upset, there was an email from the Embassy with a Monday morning appointment.  I had told the embassy people before that I almost cry every time I see an email from them, and this time was no different – Monday at 9 AM. Woot-woot.  One step closer.

Being one step closer, made my Friday quite a bit better.  I have been looking forward to Friday all week.  Linda had promised me that we would go to the market so that I can get gifts for the people back home, and for people that have supported us along the way. I was trying to find things that really link Africa to people in Alabama. I also really wanted to find a well-priced drum for Benny Michael, because he drums on everything – tables, chairs, garbage cans, and more.  So this trip was going to be important, and I had it all planned out on paper – 15 Auburn colored necklaces, a drum, a basket, a nativity, headbands, purses, soccer jerseys.

However once we got to the Friday Market, I was so overwhelmed.  There were sooo many people selling, in a tiny crowded area, with tarps were spread out all over the rocky uneven ground.  And they had a pre-cut path around everything, made from salvaged broken brick, probably from a nearby building, so you had to be really careful where you stepped.  Twice I stepped wrong and a piece of brick jabbed through the side of my sandals and caught the side of my foot – not fun.

I had been doing a pretty good job keeping track of what was for whom, and trying to write it all down, when suddenly I came across a wood carver that had the greatest statues of St. Joseph, St. Francis, crucifixes, Our Lady of Africa, Our Lady of the Rosary, and a ton of wooden nativity sets.  They were primitive, stained a deep dark mahogany color, and were really precious, oh, I wanted them all.  In fact, as soon as I was back at the Terrace I started kicking myself for not getting more.  I should have bought more beads and more statues, and if I am not doing anything again this Friday, I will go back and buy more.  (Let me know if you want me to get something in particular for you.)

I think I made it out of there pretty well, but when I got back to the hotel, I could not find my list, or remember what I was thinking when I started laying everything out on the bed.  I got so frustrated with the whole process that I gave up and packed it all up in the empty suitcase.  I pray that nothing gets broken….maybe if I bought a few more dozen things, it would fill the suitcase better?!?

I try so hard not to hate Fridays, but it is impossible.  I know what the weekend entails, absolutely nothing, and I hate this.  If something is not productive – either in leisure, fun, accomplishing something, finishing something, learning something, I consider it a waste.  Our Lord would say to sit in the silence, is the only time I can find Him, but then I am still accomplishing something.  However, nothing gets accomplished here on the weekend.  Linda’s drivers take advantage of me because I am Catholic and have a baby.  The only places to go are the mall or to a food place, and I did not come with excess money to spend – just enough to get me through and besides, taking Benny out in public is a type of torture right now.  He wants to run around, and play in the fountains, and he gets overwhelmed, and a little stressed, so when it is time to go or do something he does not want to do, like holding hands in a VERY busy parking lot or to cross 5 lanes of traffic, he starts screaming.  This, in turn, sets off a whole new set of problems.

I tried to get a feel from Linda about what she thought about the Embassy.  Is it pretty guaranteed that I get an exit interview for Wednesday?  (nope, nothing is ever guaranteed with the US Embassy in Kampala)  How long are the waits for exit interviews?  (2 days to 2 weeks)  Is it possible that they might do the exit interview on an “untypical” day?  (if they do not have any interviews, they have been known to bump people up, but that is not typical)  I decided that I would not think about it, that I would just keep focused on preparing for Monday.  I will walk in nice and calm, even though we will have to be up very early and Benny might pitch a fit.  I will smile, and be respectful and sweet.  I will not presume anything, I will be focused and cautious, and ask pertinent questions, as needed.

I hate talking to Paul on Fridays.  I call him and he goes through a schedule of everything they are doing, and I get so jealous.  “Wait what, you get to go to soccer games?  Anna scored a goal, she went to her first big girl birthday party, you had Father Daughter, there is no soccer and you get to work on family chores and projects?  The boys are hanging out?  You are going to Costco?  You will be in air conditioning and drink safe water and eat pizza and watch tv and hang out with your awesome kids and play with the dog and and and and???”  My eyes go from blue, to a jealous green, and then when I hang up to a blood shot red, because even though I do not want to cry, I cannot stop the tears.  I just let them fall and I sigh, and accept that my lot is to be here right now, and that I will be home soon enough – even though it does not make it easier, it just invites a sense of resignation.

Every day I wonder what God wants to me accomplish in order to leave.  Maybe he wanted 200 Divine Mercy Chaplets from me.  Maybe He wanted my effort.  Maybe he wants my sacrifices to cure/heal/save someone.  Maybe He wants me to learn patience.  Maybe He wanted me to say something in particular in my blog, and then He will let me go home. We all have a mission, something to accomplish, something great that only you are destined to do.  So what do I need to do in order to be home?  I spot check myself throughout the day.  Am I relying on Him enough, being patient enough, being kind and friendly enough?  Am I focused on His presence inside of me and others enough?  I cannot pretend to know what God has in store for me each day, I can only pray that my will is open to His plan, and that I accept His plan when it is not what I envisioned.  He did not promise happiness, EVER.  He promised only peace.

Notes from my prayer journal:  I need to learn to equate peace with happiness.  If I accept His will, and trust in it, then I will have peace.  That does not mean that everything is roses and butterflies and that I will like it, and that I will be comfortable and physically satisfied.  It means that if I am dying from starvation or cancer or heart disease, and there is nothing left to do to fight against the prognosis, then I accept that there will be a miracle and I will be a testament to his great glory, and if there is no miracle, then I accept that God is using me to suffer and save souls and set an example on how to be full of race and humanity while being totally reliant on Him.  

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”

-Isaiah 12:2-3

Soundtrack song of the day – Time is Running Out, Muse

Consecration to Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Day 30

The Novena to the Divine Mercy, Day 4