Sunday, the 16th

Sunday, March 16^th

On this Sunday, I realized how much I miss the mourning and contemplating that we practice together as a community at Holy Spirit.  I miss the confession schedule, the Stations fo the Cross, the Meager Meals, the extra Masses and rosaries.  I miss the music; sad and contemplative as we prepare for this period in the Church year.

I miss closing my eyes, and chanting “Wait for the Lord, the End is Near, Wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart,” and feeling the pain of the wait, and feeling my eyes tear up, and knowing that this wait and this suffering is purifying.  Every year I wait for this song, I look forward to the battle, because it always leaves me cleansed and renewed.

I focused on this song a lot in my head during the day – as I checked emails, as I read my Consecration Book, as I poured over my adoption to-do list.  I found myself humming it over and over.

Sunday, it rained all day.  The power was horrible, the internet connection was nill.  I thanked God for my Orange card so that I had internet access on my tablet.  Benny’s belly was bothering him a little, and we had not been sleeping well.  I could literally hear the mosquitoes in my room.  No matter how much clothing I was wearing, I am still getting bit.  And the only places I did not spray, the palms of my hands, and the soles of my feet, now have bites on them.

I started Facebook messaging with a friend of mine, a Brother in Cullman, Alabama.  He seemed surprised that I was still in Uganda (we only get to chat maybe every other month for a few minutes) and I discussed with him what was going on.  “I am not surprised that all of this is going during Lent.”  You and Paul and Michael are trying to do something great, and Satan will not let you do this easily.  Focus on the Divine Mercy image (that you have hanging up), “Jesus I trust in you.”  Think of Mother Teresa. 

Everyone saw her as this humble soul that gave everything up, who had complete trust in the Lord and who did not worry. But that is not true.  She went to God about her lack of strength, her spiritual dryness, her immense sufferings.  She begged and mourned and wept.  She relied on the strength of the people who prayed for her.  Brother Bruno mentioned this, and I had totally forgotten about a book that I just bought, about the real Mother Teresa, based on her writings and her journals, and her quotes.  Her outward demeanor, her behavior was settled and calm, but she says that is only because she prayed every second of every day for her constant worries and pains.  She fought the absence of God’s voice, and trudged through, relying only on her trust and faith.  I need to finish reading this book.  He reminded me that she met every day as it came, never planned out too far in advance so that daily she could be open to the plan that God would reveal to her. (A great tip for moms – this way you cannot be frustrated when something does not go your way.)

I told him that Sunday nights are the worst, when the whole trip and goal and focus seems empty and useless.  I told him that I could fail right now, just pack up and go home and leave Benny with Fr. Michael and feel safe, and calm, and have everything that I miss from home.  That I could go home and stop suffering in the way that God had intended.  I told him that there is such intense spiritual battling going on inside me, and that I needed him to set my mind straight.  Be the voice in the darkness Brother Bruno. ‘Command me to stay here and suffer for you.  Order me to so that I can see, right here and now that this dryness and emptiness has value.’  ‘OK.  Do this for my vocation.’ Boom. Done. Settled.  I mentally added Brother’s vocation to my list of prayer petitions, and even though he was already there, I felt renewed and refocused.  I begged God for focus, for a voice, for renewal this Sunday, and it came by Facebook messaging, and it was perfect.  This is exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time – Praise God for Facebook, and Brothers and good friends.

Notes from my prayer journal:  The vocations of every single man, woman, and child, are a battle ground.  You will only be happy, if you are following the Will of God.  You will only have peace when you have faith and trust and hope in His Will.  Otherwise, your soul will be searching for the next best thing, and the next best thing is never god enough.  We all need to make a concerted effort to pray for the people in the midst of the battle ground, for their strength and trust and peace.  In particular, pray for my friend Brother Bruno, for his strength and I will offer my strength up for his.

“I have strength for all things in Christ, Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s Sufficiency).”

-          Philippians 4:13

Soundtrack song of the day – Such Great Heights – Postal Service   

Consecration to Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Mary’s Retreat, Day 2, Day 25

The Novena to the Divine Mercy, Day 7 & The Novena to St. Joseph, Day 7