Thursday March 20th

March 20^th

Satan is jacking with my sleep.  Oh, how would the devil mess with someone’s sleep, don’t you think you are over exaggerating?

So, an example?  I am exhausted, so I lay down, am ready for bed, and a stare up at the ceiling trying to pray.  I notice that the way the housekeeper tid my mosquito net last week looks like a noose.  I fall asleep and see myself tying the mosquito net around my neck and feel myself leaning off of the side of the bed.  I am holding onto the side, trying not to fall, but I have no control, and I start choking.  I wake up trying to scream, but not being able too, and my neck is itchy and feels scratchy from the netting.  I am stronger than his nightmares.

The next night, I go to sleep again, concentrating on the sounds of the wild dogs in the distance barking and fighting with each other.  There is a major police station close by and you can hear sirens all night long.  Suddenly, I have Benny and we are trying to run through the streets, and the sirens are going off, and the air is thick with smoke, and I cannot take in air, and I feeling dizzy, and I am watching people get hacked to death, and the wild dogs are fighting over what remains on the ground.  I wake up sobbing – not because I was scared, but because my heart was breaking at the sight of people being so horrible to each other.

The next night, I am visiting an orphanage with a woman who works for an NGO in town, Brenda.  And it starts to get dark, and I know better than to be out once it gets really dark, especially so far out in the villages without a man and a car.  So Brenda and I are waiting and waiting for our driver, in the orphanage, and we hear a car turn down our road.  Orphanages out in the villages are heavy secured and way off of the main road, as to not advertise their presence to avoid security issues.  Suddenly, the rumbling gets louder and louder and we hear shouts and gun fire, and metal ladders slamming against the compound walls.  The orphanage is under siege.  I am in the room with the babies, the doors are locked, and I am trying to keep them as quiet as possible.  I can hear Brenda screaming in the room of teenagers.  I peak out of the window and see children being dragged out by their hair – wailing and crying and there is nothing I can do. 

The babies’ home is in the very back by the kitchen, and at one point, the kitchen is being raided for food and supplies and I thought someone saw me, and all I can do is pray, but nobody comes back to investigate.  I leave the room at day break, babies screaming everywhere from hunger, and thirst and fear, and everyone is gone.  There are bodies everywhere, but nobody is alive.  My ears are ringing from the constant “pop pop” noise.  The smell of something burning is making me wretch, as thick smoke pours over the compound walls, and I realize that they burned the villagers homes that were near the orphanage.  I have a phone but nobody to call and I have no idea where I am.  I wake up suddenly to run to the bathroom and be sick.

And this is predominantly how my nights have gone.  Even when we were at the Maria Flo, and Paul was here, he said I would moan and grimace and get upset all night long.  Maybe it is because I have no one to wake me that I am remembering them so vividly.  Maybe it is because I am so close to the finish ad I am being tempted in a way that suits my personality.

I like to do stuff.  I try to be sensitive to the souls and hearts around me.  I like to serve.  I normally sleep very little at home 4-5 hours on a week night, depending on the time of year and how busy we are at home, but have been so tired for some reason.  In all of my dreams, I am seeing the worst of humanity, against the weakest of people, and I am stuck watching – unable to protect or defend.  The acts and violence are heart breaking.  More importantly though, this is just one example of how satan will find a way to torment you, keep you from sleep, break down your emotions so that you are weak, tired, not thinking correctly, discouraged and your thoughts are disheveled.  How well do you communicate and focus when you have no sleep?  So when you are upset and discouraged, and need to focus on God for strength and reprieve, how easy is it to do that when your brain and thoughts feel disconnected? 

In order to avoid sleeping at night, I have been downloading whole seasons of shows on my tablet and watching them all straight through.  I may sleep from 4-7 AM, once it begins to get light out.  Then I sleep another 2 hours while Benny is sleeping, which means I have to focus of making him very tired during our outdoor play time to assure that I get 2 hours of sleep.

Which brings up another point.  How easy is it to parent a child who is essentially a large 18 month old, if you are too tired and disheveled to feel patient?  It is NOT easy.  Two days ago, he took off his diaper around 6:30 AM and I did not hear him get up, and I awoke to poop everywhere – the shower, the walls, the floor, him, his face and mouth, his clothes, his sheets.  I wanted to scream, and felt ill, and used 3 packs of Clorox wipes and had him under the shower head for 30 minutes, and then used a half bottle of hand sanitizer, and cut off all of his fingernails as short as I could get them because I was worried about the bacteria trapped underneath.  It was so hard for me to not lose it all day long. 

Every time I really looked at him, all I could picture was him covered in it.  My germ alarm was beyond freaking out.  He wanted to hug me, but I was so disgusted.  I let him, but was gagging the whole time.  The next morning, I caught him right as he had taken off his diaper and was pooping on his backpack that I brought him for the airplane ride.  He loved that backpack, but I had no ay to clean it, so I made him take it out and throw it in the dumpster.  He was so upset, but he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that his actions were not at all appropriate.  I had the waitress translate to him in Lugandan to make sure that he understood every word I was saying.  Her presence also kept my focus and anger in check. 

You take my mornings, and couple them with my nights, and things have not been going well in the whole “spiritual warfare” arena.  I try to focus on other things at night – random tv shows, writing the blog, reading about saints.  I pray, run through my petitions, focusing on their faces in my head and what they are suffering through.  What I am dealing with is easy compared to all of them.  My life is easy at home – I have 5 pretty great children, my husband is amazing, my house fits us, my dog is cute..my problems are #firstworldproblems. 

I took this on out of love for Christ, but there sure has been a night or two when I have woken up from a nightmare or something I have seen while I was trying to fall asleep and thought, “I could leave right now.  Nobody would fault me.  I just need to go home, I can come back and get Michael in a few weeks, or find another family for him.  I CANNOT handle this.”  And then I stare at my wall and say my favorite line ever, “For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have Mercy on us and on the whole world.”

And today, I can look up to the dark gray skies, in the 90 degree heat, and praise God that Benny did not pull another nasty stunt today, and thank Him for His many gifts and the ability to offer up something for someone else.  I can smile and say, “Kids will be kids and thank God for this blessing of Benny.”  I can try to nap deeply so that I have the strength to keep my focus on God’s love, and I maintain a sense of composure, even when every inch of me is saying, “You are so NOT composed, lash out, get angry, you have a right to.”

God supplies the answers, I just have to be strong enough to listen.  I have to go to great lengths to make sure that I am setting myself up for success, and not for failure.  Sleep, rest, get fresh air, pray, focus, concentrate on serving others and minimize stress by accepting God’s will you’re your day…these are the keys to minimizing satan’s ability to jack with you.  Let us focus on protecting our souls from any extra temptation this Lent – this period in the Church calendar is hard enough.

Notes from my prayer journal:  You can only be tempted by things that you care about, things that you put ahead of God.  Great saints have dealt with doubts and fears and worries until they loose themselves from the tis that they had in the material world.  Christ tried to get people to see this in His commands to “leave everything and follow Me.”  Help us to do this today, to relinquish attachments to the world and to the physical things that keep us away from following God with all of our hearts, all of our mind, and all of our strength.

“Now it is God who made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”

-2 Corinthians 5:5

Soundtrack song of the day – Crazy Life, Toad the Wet Sprocket

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The Novena to the Divine Mercy, Day 2