Saturday

Saturday, the 15^th

I am starting to go stir crazy. It has been about a week since I have walked around like a normal person in a public place – shopped, browsed, hung out, conversed.  I wanted to go out and wire Father Michael the remaining of the MCPS money, but Linda told me that would be quite risky to do in person, and that I should continue to make those types of transactions of the internet.  This will make it easier to give MCPS receipts of who got what, when, so I agree, and wire Father the first of two donations.

Father Michael had said that he was coming today to sign some much needed paperwork.  It was to be stamped and branded by the Ugandan government before I can bring it to the Embassy.  I also had designed some new letterhead for his parish, and has pulled out all of the gifts that I had brought for the people who were close to Little Benny Michael during his lifetime – Auburn and Alabama shirts, jump drives with music, baby clothes for their children, quilts, school supplies from the Holy Spirit Academy School Supply Drive, and more.  All of these items take up two whole suitcases, and it would be nice to get a jump on reorganizing my stuff in order to come home.

I was giddy to see someone that I knew, that I had something in common with.  I had Michael dressed and ready to see him, but the hours ticked by very slowly.  Suddenly it was 3 o’clock, Michael was asleep, I was praying, and Father appeared with a friend.  I had been able to tell that he picked up his first wire, but not the second, so it was hard to tell when he was coming.  I woke up and we came out with the laptop, the paperwork, and the letter head files.  I figured I would just haul everything out later.  Father had a friend with him, his promoter.  If someone wants to have a song played on the radio in Uganda, you go from radio station to radio station playing the song, playing the music file, and paying them off.  It is important for Father to get the song on the radio to pique the interest of the public, so that when he shoots the video next week, people have already heard it and are interested.  The promoter’s job, essentially is to converse with radio stations, tell his friends, tweet and post FB messages about the song, and spread the word to local groups and churches about what is going on with Father.

As soon as Father was there, he was gone again.  He stayed half an hour, gave me feedback on the letter heads, told me of his plans for a woman and daughter coming in from Auburn, signed the Embassy forms and the baptismal certificate and then he was gone.  Michael had not even woken up yet really, still groggy and not even comprehending what was going on.  At one point, he walked to the car because he thought Father was taking us somewhere.  It was so quick, that I totally forgot the bags of stuff on the floor of my bedroom.  Ack.  Two very large suitcases worth of stuff, in a heap on my floor.  Bummer.

So my taste of “familiar” came and left, and it was hang out time for Benny and Mommy.  I felt like I needed to reward him for being good all day waiting, so he got extra “backyard time”, which really meant that I got more “conversing with God” time.  I kind of denied Benny’s request to play soccer, and made him entertain himself with the ball and whatever else he could find in the backyard.  I had never done that, and he pouted for sure, but within 20 minutes, he stopped pulling on my arm, pulling my leg and whining, and he was fine. 

The weekends are the worst here because I know that my process of leaving, is not going anywhere.  When I pray about it, I can see that a great portion of my sufferings through my life has prepared me for this, has helped to make me stronger.  This is a similar feeling to what I dealt with during my freshmen year in college at a girls’ Catholic college in Indiana. 

Ultimately, the school was a commuter school with only 2 handfuls of students who stayed on campus over the weekend, and I was the youngest one, with no car, not a lot of money and no connections to people close by to visit or stay with.  It was ridiculously lonely – the campus was dead, and I was stuck on it.  The good thing for me was that I got lots of alone time, wandering around a beautiful campus.  That bad thing was that it was first time being away for an extended period of time, and being from a huge family, I hated the silence. I could not function.  It is a BEAUTIFUL campus.  There is a gorgeous grotto, a bridge over every pond, a walking stations- of-the-cross that were marble and life size. 

The problem was that the spirit of the people did not match the spirit of the campus.  The numbers of nuns was greater than the numbers of students.  The Mass had maybe 20 people in attendance.  If there truly Catholic people there, it would have been easier, the spirit would have been different.  My Spanish teacher invited us to her house and told this young group of freshmen girls that she had had an abortion when she was about 10 weeks pregnant, and that it was the best thing that ever happened to her because she could finish her degree, she met her husband, and had a great life now.  I was horrified and could instantly picture what her child looked like then, and how it might look today.  I felt like I was in a constant battle to maintain the morals and values of my youth vs becoming a raging liberal feminist. 

There was a handful of people who made my life a living hell.  Seriously, they would crank call me all night long, and I would silence the phone, but the phone had a red light on the top that would blink and flash when people were calling, and make an incessant clicking noise when messages were left.  Worse yet, you could not delete the messages until they were completely over so I listened to tirades about how unpopular I was, what a loser I was, how fat and ugly I was, how ridiculous it was that I was a believer, and who in their right minds would leave  California to Indiana unless they were total losers. 

They would bang on my door all night, steal my stuff from the fridge, steal my laundry and throw it in trash bins hidden all throughout the basement.  They told people that I was addicted to pain medication, even though I was just taking a prescribed daily migraine prevention medication, and even went to the RD and I had to have my room searched – and yep, what did she find, a migraine prevention prescription.  One of the girls had started as my roommate and she would sneak her boyfriend in and lock me out constantly so she could do God knows what.  We could not dial 1-800 numbers from our rooms, so I had to go to the basement to call my parents every Sunday night, and they knew this, so they would sit downstairs, and when they saw me headed to the basement, they would run ahead, and pick up the phone and act like they were talking – for hours.  I felt like I was in junior high again.  It was a nightmare. 

I did find a small group of people that I hung out with once in awhile – 4 girls in total that I could find some occasional mental reprieve with – Emily, Katie, Sarah and Melissa.  I could also escape to my cousin’s dorm at the Notre Dame with another friend who was at a different school in Indiana.  She would come get me twice a semester to go up to ND.  Toward the end of the year, after a very rough second semester, I was “saved by grace” or rather, a friend named Emily, who was a senior on campus, who was conservative and from California.  She introduced me to Franciscan University, and I was accepted and headed off within the summer months and my horrible periods of loneliness and mental torture were gone.

And all of this made me mature enough in my faith to make good use of the suffering. I reflected upon this period in my life while waiting for Father to come for a visit and I came across a beautiful Lenten reading.  Actually, it is from St. Louis de Montfort’s Consecration to Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, which serves as my Advent preparation tool every year.  I must have read it at least 13 times, once a year since joining Stella Mariae Household a Franciscan. I never thought of it as good readings for Lent, but when you paste a few days together, it is quite lovely.

I thought it might be a good reminder for me, to write it out, to let it serve as a personal meditation.

Eighth Day
Imitation: Book 1, Chapter 13

Of resisting temptations.

As long as we live in this world, we cannot be without temptations and tribulations. Hence it is written in Job "Man's life on earth is a temptation." Everyone therefore should be solicitous about his temptations and watch in prayer lest the devil find an opportunity to catch him: who never sleeps, but goes about, seeking whom he can devour. No one is so perfect and holy as sometimes not to have temptations and we can never be wholly free from them. Nevertheless, temptations are very profitable to man, troublesome and grievous though they may be, for in them, a man is humbled, purified and instructed. All the Saints passed through many tribulations and temptations and were purified by them. And they that could not support temptations, became reprobate, and fell away.

Many seek to flee temptations, and fall worse into them. We cannot conquer by flight alone, but by patience and true humility we become stronger than all our enemies. He who only declines them outwardly, and does not pluck out their root, will profit little; nay, temptations will sooner return and he will find himself in a worse condition. By degrees and by patience you will, by God's grace, better overcome them than by harshness and your own importunity. Take council the oftener in temptation, and do not deal harshly with one who is tempted; but pour in consolation, as thou wouldst wish to be done unto yourself. Inconstancy of mind and little confidence in God, is the beginning of all temptations. For as a ship without a helm is driven to and fro by the waves, so the man who neglects and gives up his resolutions is tempted in many ways.

Ninth Day
Imitation: Book 1, Chapter 13

Fire tries iron, and temptation a just man. We often know not what we are able to do, but temptations discover what we are. Still, we must watch, especially in the beginning of temptation; for then the enemy is more easily overcome, if he be not suffered to enter the door of the mind, but is withstood upon the threshold the very moment he knocks. Whence a certain one has said "Resist beginnings; all too late the cure." When ills have gathered strength, by long delay, first there comes from the mind a simple thought; then a strong imagination, afterwards delight, and the evil motion and consent and so, little by little the fiend does gain entrance, when he is not resisted in the beginning. The longer anyone has been slothful in resisting, so much the weaker he becomes, daily in himself, and the enemy, so much the stronger in him. Some suffer grievous temptations in the beginning of their conversion, others in the end and others are troubled nearly their whole life. Some are very lightly tempted, according to the wisdom and the equity of the ordinance of God who weighs man's condition and merits, and pre-ordaineth all things for the salvation of His elect. We must not, therefore, despair when we are tempted, but the more fervently pray to God to help us in every tribulation: Who, of a truth, according to the sayings of St. Paul, will make such issue with the temptation, that we are able to sustain it.

Let us then humble our souls under the hand of God in every temptation and tribulation, for the humble in spirit, He will save and exalt. In temptation and tribulations, it is proved what progress man has made; and there also is great merit, and virtue is made more manifest.

Sixth day Week 1

Imitation: Book 3, Chapter 47
That All Grievous Things Are to Be Endured For the Sake of Eternal Life
My son, be not wearied out by the labors which thou hast undertaken for My sake, nor let tribulation cast thee down ever at all; but let My promise strengthen and comfort thee under every circumstance. I am well able to reward thee, above all measure and degree. Thou shalt not long toil here, nor always be oppressed with griefs. Wait a little while, and thou shalt see a speedy end of thine evils.

Notes from my prayer journal: When St. Matthew repeats Christ’s words, “Ask and it will be given to you,” there is little emphasis on the “what” that will be given to you.  He is not saying that exactly what you ask for will be given to you, even though every child in the pews, upon hearing this, is instantly asking for a million dollars, a new ipod touch, a house full of candy, the cutest girl in the world, and more.  St. Monica used to rail for what she wanted.  She knew that God would answer her prayers, she knew that what she was asking for was good and holy, but she did not know the time that her prayers would be answered, just that it would happen in her life time.  God saw what she wanted, but saw her soul, and saw the growth that could happen, and saw how her faith could deepen, and saw how she needed to depend on Him more.  He also saw St. Augustine, how much he needed to grow and learn, and sacrifice in order to make his faith his own.  Yes, it is much easier to accept St. Matthew’s writing when you understand that what you need most, in believing and living the truth of these words, is trust. Jesus, I trust, that I will be home, when you want me to be.  I trust that you are behind my ever second that is lived here.  I trust that you are protecting those I love, and that our sadness will only draw us closer to you.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.”

-          Matthew 7:7

Soundtrack song of the day –    Holy and Able, Fr. Michael Ssenfuma

Consecration to Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Mary’s Retreat, Day 24

The Novena to the Divine Mercy, Day 6 & The Novena to St. Joseph, Day 6