my mothering

My motherhood

People always ask, especially since we are adopting, how I became the mom of such a large family.  I smile and say that I am blessed, that life is crazy, that I never would have guessed it, and more.  That is all definitely the truth.

I never really wanted to be a mother.  I had always said that I wanted to be a missionary.  My grandmother’s good friend Louise was visiting and asked me about colleges, and what I wanted to do with my life, and I told her that I would like to be a nun, and she scoffed – laughed really.  "Oh Allison, you will be a nun as surely as I am one, sitting here right now."

I thought that the life of prayer was beautiful, the solitude inviting, the relationship with Christ so much easier to attain when you have little to distract you.  I was jealous of all of the teenagers going on mission trips, the ones who had friends who helped them with their faith lives.  I sat and listened to John Paul II as he spoke out to the youth in Colorado, angry that I was not there, and jealous of everyone who was.  I watched videos my dad brought home of St. Catherine Laboure, and on Sister Faustina, and desired nothing more to have Jesus speak to my heart.

More than that, I wanted God to make my path to sanctity quite clear for me.  Surely, if I was locked away in a chapel for days and days, Christ would speak to me.  Our Blessed Mother might just reach her hand down, and take my face in her hands, and grant me a vision of what I was to be doing.  When people from my family go to Medjugorje, I beg God for the funds and the time.  When they take retreats, I wish for an open schedule.  When they take pilgrimages through Rome, my heart aches to be there with them.  But, there has always been a piece of me that is full of fear.

I would sit in a common room and discuss becoming a nun with women from Regnum Christi and they were very kind, although I am sure that they knew right away that I was not a good fit.  I was every bit as loud and they were quiet, every bit as joking as they were serious and humble.  What I did know was that I loved to serve people, so being a missionary made sense.  I remember in high school filling out missionary applications by the dozens.  They would lay on the floor, completely filled out, but I saw how much money I needed to take such trips, and do such work, I almost fainted.  There had to be a cheaper, easier way.  Maybe if I got my degree, and got a job, and was older, it would be easier to become a missionary.

Instead, I fell in love.  And it is awfully hard to be a missionary when you have a husband, and children, no matter what your degree is in, or how old you are, or how much money you do not have.  10 years after Sweet Louise told me that I surely would NOT be a nun, I looked back and prayed forgiveness for the ugliness I felt towards her after she said that, after all, she was exactly correct, although maybe not for the right reasons.

I always wanted to be a nun because I could be loyal to God, and I knew that He would be loyal to me.  I knew that He would never leave me or abandon me, and that I could trust Him.  I felt guilty about marrying someone because I am so imperfect, I feel so bad for my spouse, because someone that I love deserves a love that is perfect, forgiving, steadfast – none of the qualities I would use to describe myself.

Someone asked me, when I was talking about being a missionary in college, “Well, what about having children?”  The thought made me laugh, “Children? I will have whatever children are in the village who are in need of love.  Children, I am the oldest of 6 kids and my mother did day care in our house for as long as I can remember.  I do not need to have children, I have seen enough being raised by my mother to know that I am not cut out for that.”

Again, there was a fear there.  I have seen what children can do to a parent.  I was just a child a blink ago.  We are painful, messy.  We break things, forget things, sneak things.  We spend a great deal of our lives thinking that we know better, until it is too late to turn back.  And suddenly we are parents, and then we spend the rest of our lives in a filial relationship with our parents, apologizing for not, in fact, knowing better, and trying o teach our children the same lessons.  And as much time as I spent talking to my future husband about having children, I spent as much time talking to St. Therese about how I wanted to join her.

During my last novena prayed at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I prayed to St. Therese, for her to help open my eyes to the will of God in my life.  With a year, I had a degree, a husband, a son, a job in another state, and an apartment close to my parents home 3,000 miles from where my adulthood had begun.  I found myself in shock, like I suddenly woke up in someone else’s life.  The faith life I had grown used to was on a campus that sat on the top of a hill, under an iron cross.  It was not easy to pray, or focus on God, or find peace.  I found myself in a situation that I never dreamed would be mine.  I was suddenly a mom and a wife, and I felt completely unprepared.

How did my mom do this?!? She had 6 kids, and I was failing at having 1.  The peace that I had always desired seemed so completely unobtainable.  I felt like this was thrust upon me.  Wait, wait, wait.  Hold up St. Therese.  Hello?!?  I wanted to be a missionary.  And every time I talked to people, they would smile a sympathetic smile and say, “Oh, but you are feeding the hungry, and clothing the naked, and making sacrifices.”  When I said missionary, I MEANT to other peoples’ families and children, in foreign countries, with nobody to report to but my Mother Superior and God, Himself.  I found myself terrified.


When I Really Became A Mom

One night, I lay in bed, holding my second sweet child, with my first at my side, and we were cuddled up like a cocoon, and I stroked Kolbe’s cheek and I rubbed Michael’s back and looked in Michael’s eyes and admitted the truth.  I did not want to be a mom because I would fail, but they would not understand this, so I talked to them and the ceiling.

“I am scared. You deserve better than me.  You deserve a perfect woman, a beautiful woman, a strong woman.  You deserve someone who knows how to protect you, a mom that knows how to love you more than anything in this world.  You need a mom who knows the path to holiness, a mom who is the perfect balance of love and discipline.  You deserve someone who will always be there, who knows how to sacrifice, who knows how to love diligently, who forgives your failings, and is there for every tear.  Someone who encourages without judgment, who guides without bias.  Dear Blessed Mother, please take my children and be their mother because I will fail.”

And suddenly, being a mom was not something I feared.  Once I admitted that I was afraid, and that I needed help, and that I knew I could not do it on my own, my heart began to heal.  And once Our Lady started filling in the gaps in my soul, I began to find peace. 

And in that peace, I heard quite clearly, “Your mission is to bring these souls to me.” 

Wait, my job is not to make sure that they are awesome athletes, that they get good grades, that they are popular, and that they look wicked cute all of the time?!?  Preposterous!?! Am I not supposed to supply the greatest car, house and vacations of all time, teach them everything they need to know about farming, and money, and music, and computers, and bend to their every selfish whim?!?  I want to give them the things I do not have, shower them with rewards, help them to live their lives without pain. I am so sarcastic - pray for me about this!)

When you were a child, you thought as a child.  But when you grow up, I expect you to take on the things of an adult, and that means being in charge of the flock I give you.  It means being an oak among saplings, a compass in rough seas, a map that points your children from this fallen creation to my heavenly resting place.  In your sufferings and in your need-you find me, so I will never let your cup be full, your wallet be fat, your house be perfect.

Oh no, you have it all wrong.  I am selfish.  I like order, I like action, I love the beach.  I crave gardening and being dirty but only because I want to give life and order to things and make things pretty and fruitful.  I scream when I see spiders, I am horrible at maintaining inner peace, I had wicked ADD and if I am failing at getting to heaven, and at seeing you in all things and in all people then what makes you think that I can DO THIS.

            Have patience, never stop trying.  Give me 100 % of your efforts, with 100% of the gifts I have given you, and I will meet you where you fail.

Wait, fail?!?  See, you are setting me up to fail.

            Everyone fails on earth.  It is only when you fail that you need me.  It is only when you are broken and little and dependent that you come to me.  That is when you recognize that you are weak and in need of saving.

If I tell you now that I am weak and miserable, will you promise to not let me fail?  How can I fail more than this?

You will fail more, and your pain will be more, and your sufferings will multiply before you are finished on this earth.  How will you grow and learn from mistakes that you do not make?  How will you stretch beyond your boundaries if you never meet one? How can you teach your children about living, if you are never truly alive in Me?

Why punish my children for sins they did not commit?

            I am giving them a mother, not a punishment!

Oh no, I am a punishment.  I just told you all of the reasons why I am not qualified for this tremendous task.  Weak and vain.  Hard and selfish.  I lack all 10 of Our Lady’s Virtues; humility, lively faith, obedience, constant mental prayer, mortification in all things, purity, charity, patience, sweetness and wisdom.  SHE was the pinnacle of motherhood!!  My children are beautiful and deserve the best, and I cannot give that to them.  This is why I did not want to marry, because my husband has a sweet, sweet soul.  He is patient and loving and steadfast.  My busy nature, my desire to give everything to everybody, my taking on of 10 million projects at 1 time, and all my craziness will break him down and destroy his beautiful nature.

            Your children will refine your desires.  You must be open to the changes they demand of you.  They teach you to sacrifice, they demand order.  I call it the gift of life, because you will give your life to them, every second of every day – teaching them by your words, but more importantly by your actions. You must try to love them without fail, though you will.  When you do this, they hand you the gift of your sanctity.  They teach you patience, joy, humility, prayer, charity, mortification.  They can make you a great saint if you take your vocation seriously.  As a parent, your vocation is that of every vocation – sacrifice, love and lead others to Me.  I hold you responsible for the souls of those in your care.  You must give love to receive, sacrifice to grow, exhibit to teach.  You must BEWARE though, the more you fight against the growth they require, the more you will hate your role and resent your children, hurting them and damaging them beyond what any human can repair, and if they do not find me, then they will seek healing through any means necessary.

Oh please, I cannot do this.

            You have already begun

I do not want to fail, they deserve better.

            You will give your best, and where you fail, through your prayer and sacrifice, I will fill.

Please, please, please, take this cup from me, I can find another to take my place – someone who will love them better, be kinder to my sweet husband, meet everyone's needs.

            Teach your children how to come to me.  Teach them where to find me.  Show them the meaning of sacrifice, and the value of it.  Show them how to give without expectation of return.  Show them that all love and joy is rooted in me.  Your vocation is complete upon your death, but the lessons that you teach through the example of your love can remain alive forever.

My heart breaks.  I will try to accept this challenge, and I will beg forgiveness of my children for not being perfect.  I will never stop asking for guidance, I will never stop struggling to deepen my faith.  I will never ever be enough for them, and you leave me no option but to resign myself to this.

            No, you need to embrace this.  You must use every gift that I have bestowed upon you.  You need to challenge the images you have of yourself.  You need to see me in all things, and you need to never ever lose hope.

Why?

            Because your mom did not lose hope in you, her hope still shines – just as her mother’s did for her.  Your children and your husband need to see hope alive in you.  You need to be a light of hope to those I have put in your path.  Accept that failing is inevitable, but that the growth that comes from it is strength to your sword.  Be at peace, and call upon me in all things.

Oh no.  If I really believe that conversation, that I seemingly had with the air, Michael and Kolbe, then I have my work cut out for me.  And I feel as guilty as ever being in Africa right now, relaying this to all of you, as it appears that I have abandon them for Lord knows how long.  I have put undue stresses upon my husband, financially, emotionally, physically.  I have asked him to play my role and his, with a handful of beautiful friends to watch over them and fill in where they are needed.

I went from being too scared to be a mom to bringing in another child that had no mom.  I took a small house and made it smaller, a small bank account and made it thinner, all in hopes that I really heard God right.  I pray that this inner peace, even though I am sorely lacking happiness, is from God, and not a mask held firmly in place by the devil.  I pray that these good deeds, that we all know will be punished by the devil, will not be too painful for my children, and they fall upon my shoulders and not theirs.

If I really believe what I heard and felt, then I must continue to mimic the efforts of my mother, whose light has touched thousands of lives, whose love seems to be ever enduring, and whose patience with her children has no earthly basis for its provision.  I must continue to daily consecrate my life to Christ, asking my Blessed Mother to take my failures to God, and ask her to help my pathetic efforts to bear fruit.  And I must do this all daily, for the greater glory of God.

Here is my prayer for mothers everywhere; that we all see Christ’s face in the hearts of our children, that the difficult sacrifices that we make daily are accepted and made worthy of the souls we guide and protect, and that our labors do not go to waste, as Our Lady strengthens our efforts with her perfect love.  Amen.